Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Remember when we were kids and the lovable yet completely bizarre looking Sesame Street puppets would sing that "Who are the people in your neighborhood?" song? Well I'd like to think I've met my fare share of people in my life and I think there should be an adult version of this song as I have found many types of people that frankly annoy the living shit out of me and should be the butt of my ridicule. So....

Here are the people in my neighborhood. You might recognize a few yourself.

The Bullshit Artist: Everyone knows this guy or gal. Anytime anyone has something remotely interesting to say the bullshit artist will have a story to match and will attempt to, in some absurd ass way, top the true story of the previous person. The bullshit artist is a complete ass because they can be spotted from a mile away and yet they are completely oblivious to the fact that everyone sees them as the dumb-ass liar that they are. No matter how completely random or rare the story they try to top is, they still will make the attempt. If by some strange freak chance you had a squirrel fall from the sky onto your windshield on the drive to work that morning and amazingly bounced off onto the road and ran away unharmed the bullshit artist will feel the compulsive need to for some retarded reason pipe up. This person's story will sound something like this, "Thats funny cause last week I was driving to work when a squirrel fell from the sky onto my windshield but the squirrel didn't get up so I got out of the car and preformed CPR on the little guy until he was revived. And a bus full of nuns just happened to be passing by and saw what I did and now the Vatican is considering me for sainthood." It doesn't take long before every time the bullshit artist opens his or her mouth the others within earshot will automatically tune them out or let out a grumble or a sigh as they begin their bullshit. Remarkably the BS Artist remains unaware.

The Overly Nice Person: This person really pisses me off. They are soooo damn nice that it is nauseating. To make matters worse the whole thing is as phony as a WMD in Iraq. These people must apparently be liked by everyone and must never be angry or upset. It's all sugar and spice and everything nice. I would like nothing more than to completely fuck up this persons day, but in a weird twist of fate to do so is completely taboo. While most everyone knows that the Overly Nice Person is full of shit, should anyone actually verbalize this obvious fact and attempt to bring down this persons wall of crap they will be immediately labeled an asshole and get treated like shit by all. If not for this strange and hypocritical rule I would wait for the Overly Nice Person to give me the fake ass smile and a big fake ass, "GOOD MORNING!", and would then promptly drop kick the fucker in the face. I don't smile at 6:30 am asshole, so fuck off.

The "Pity-me" Prick: I don't know if this person's mommy didn't hug them enough or if they just have to feel like a victim, but seemingly run-of-the-mill problems for you and me become the fucking Armageddon for these people. These folks will goddamn create a scene because they got a painful hang-nail or perhaps they had to wait in line longer than usual for gas. You would think that their fucking parents died by the way they go on and on over some meaningless crap. This ass-wipe behavior is typically encouraged by the Overly Nice Person because they will inevitably come to console this irrational tragedy over and fucking over again. I would love to see what would happen if these two people got trapped in a well somewhere. I wonder how long it would take for the Overly Nice Person to drop the act and tell the "Pity-me" Prick to shut the fuck up. We could probably get Don King to promote the eventual slapping and hair pulling brawl that would result. That would be some goddamn real American entertainment by god.

The Macho Man: Where to begin with this pile of human crap. For starters, this guy somehow has always been born apparently with shoulders that are disproportionately larger than the rest of them because they walk around puffing out their chest with there arms somehow dangling off their shoulders several inches away from what would be considered normal. Furthermore, these people have only 2 major responses to anything that is said by anyone. These two default responses are, " I'll fucking kick his ass." or some variation on someone being a "Fag". Really piss this guy off and you're in for the double whammy, "I'll fucking kick that guys ass......Fucking faggot." This persons range of conversational topics are also quite limited. You can be sure that if the Macho Man strikes up a conversation it will be about cars, car parts, or bullshit stories of bullshit races at red lights. There is also talk of bitches, babes, hoes, or some bullshit story about some bullshit sexual romp with said bitch, babe or hoe. If your particular brand of Macho Man is from somewhere rural you can add guns or bullshit stories about killing various creatures with said guns. Oh and don't forget the topic of "Kicking some Faggots ass."

I could name many many other people that are from the neighborhood that piss me off but instead I will allow anyone who wishes to contribute to this list to do so in a comment. Bonus points will be awarded if you can get one of those ugly Muppets to sing about your person from the neighborhood.


Fucking Muppets.